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Making Peace With Mixed Feelings: Emily’s Story

The most important moment of my first breastfeeding experience is when Katie told me to stop.

As a new mom, I wanted to do everything “right.” To me, that meant I had to breastfeed–except I had no idea how to do that. I didn’t meet with Katie until my son Leo was four months old (this was before Gwen or Corrine!), and she told me Leo likely had a tongue tie. I had seen three other lactation specialists in person and talked to countless others over the phone. It was my first time hearing about tongue ties, the first time anyone bothered to do a transfer weigh, and the first time anyone asked me how I was doing.

It’s still hard to look at the early photos I have of Leo. I feel guilty. I feel sad. It was definitely a learning experience that I now feel obligated to share with other new moms that I know and feel close with. I think the best part about Balanced Breastfeeding is their balanced approach, and I tell everyone I know in Delaware to go there. It is an amazing resource.

My second breastfeeding experience I leaned heavily on Katie. People talk about “booby baggage”–I had that times 1000. My son Sam was gaining so well, but I still needed to see that transfer weight, I still needed to attend those weekly mom groups, I still needed to meet with Katie regularly. I truly feel like the support kept me from slipping back into isolation and those feelings of self doubt and anxiety.

I look at early pictures of Sam and am so proud. He was big! We did it! We hit all our goals.

I haven’t breastfed for seven months and, like many, I have mixed feelings.

Do I miss the pump? Heck no! As my husband and I contemplate having more children, I am at peace with breastfeeding. If we decide not to, I would be okay never having that feeling again.

Breastfeeding (and childbirth!) have really empowered me to feel like I am capable of anything. This year I have lost 40 pounds and have finally received a long awaited promotion at work. When I finally was able to realize how important time for myself again was, I was able to thrive.

Emily and Her FamilyI feel honored to be able to be a part of this community and to have insight into that experience. I get very emotional reading other moms’ stories. Thank you to everyone who shares, because they have really helped me to heal in many ways.

– Emily Kot, Balanced Breastfeeding Mom x2